Excuse for coming home late

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

“When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she’s ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn’t care what time I came home.”

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she’s ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he’s home so late.

“Hey, why aren’t you sleeping?” he asks.

“I was was, but I came in to tell you that we’ve got to sleep on the couch tonight, ’cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom.”

Son versus Mother

Once upon a time John, and Pamela lived in canada. His mother Jessica from America came to visit and she suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had onlymade her more curious.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered,”I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Pamela and I are just roommates.”

Than about 3 days later Jessica heads back to America.

About 4 days later, Pamela came to John saying,”Ever since your mother left, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it do you?”
“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

Dear mother,
I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house,I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to America.

Love,
John.

Several days later, Joe received an email from his mother which
read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Pamela, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love,
Mom.

Smart blonde!

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

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