Top 9 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds!

Dapet dari kiriman email. =)

Top 9 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds

(Actual from classified sections of city newspapers)

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

(man….if only I knew A B C….)

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2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.

(sure…thanx for the warning!)

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3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred.

(in months or years?)

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4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated.
Come here first.

(check it out)

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5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

(howwww sweeeet)

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6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.

(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

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7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

(uh…huh!)

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8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

(hey….who taught cows the bad habit??)

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9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.

(nice work!)

Mengapa Ayam Menyeberang Jalan?

Pertanyaan yang sama diberikan ke banyak orang, menghasilkan jawaban yang berbeda pula…

Guru TK:
“Supaya sampai ke ujung jalan.”

Plato:
“Untuk mencari kebenaran yang lebih baik.”

FBI:
“Beri saya lima menit dengan ayam itu, saya akan tahu kenapa.”

Aristoteles:
“Karena merupakan sifat alami dari ayam”

Captain James T. Kirk:
“Karena dia ingin pergi ke tempat yang belum pernah ia datangi”

Martin Luther King, Jr. :
“Saya memimpikan suatu dunia yang membebaskan semua ayam menyeberang jalan tanpa mempertanyakan kenapa.”

Machiavelli:
“Poin pentingnya adalah ayam menyeberang jalan! Siapa yang peduli kenapa! Akhir dari penyeberangan akan menentukan motivasi ayam itu.”

Freud
“Secara tidak sadar, Ayam memiliki ketidaknyamanan seksual ketika ia tidak menyeberang jalan, sehingga ia menyeberang jalan sebagai bentuk mekanisme pertahanan diri”

George W Bush:
“Kami tidak peduli kenapa ayam itu menyeberang!! Kami cuma ingin tau apakah ayam itu ada di pihak kami atau tidak, apa dia bersama kami atau melawan kami. Tidak ada pihak tengah di sini!!”

Darwin:
“Ayam telah melalui periode waktu yang luar biasa, telah melalui seleksi alam dengan cara tertentu dan secara alami tereliminasi dengan menyeberang jalan”

Einstein:
“Apakah ayam itu menyeberang jalan atau jalan yang bergerak di bawah ayam itu, itu semua tergantung pada sudut pandang relatif kita sendiri.”

Nelson Mandela:
“Tidak akan pernah lagi ayam ditanyai kenapa menyeberang jalan! Dia adalah panutan yang akan saya bela sampai mati!”

Isaac Newton :
“Semua ayam di bumi ini kan menyeberang jalan secara tegak lurus dalam garis lurus yang tidak terbatas dalam kecepatan yang seragam, terkecuali jika ayam berhenti karena ada reaksi yang tidak seimbang dari arah berlawanan.”

Miyabi:
Ooohh… Aahhh… Mmmhhh… Ohh yeeahh…

Programmer J2EE :
“Tidak semua ayam dapat menyeberang jalan, maka dari itu perlu adanya interface untuk ayam yaitu nyeberangable, ayam-ayam yang ingin atau bisa menyeberang diharuskan untuk mengimplementasikan interface nyebrangable, jadi di sini sudah jelas terlihat bahwa antara ayam dengan jalan sudah loosely coupled.”

Programmer Flash:
“Karena pada keyframe tersebut terdapat actionscript yang bertuliskan perintah ‘GoTo And Run’ …”

Sutiyoso :
“Itu ayam pasti ingin naik busway.”

Soeharto :
Ayam-ayam mana yang ndak nyebrang, tak gebuk semua! Kalo perlu ya disukabumikan saja.

Habibie :
Ayam menyeberang dikarenakan ada daya tarik gravitasi, dimana terjadi percepatan yang mengakibatkan sang ayam mengikuti rotasi dan berpindah ke seberang jalan.

Darwis Triadi :
Karena di seberang jalan, angle dan lightingnya lebih bagus.

Nia Dinata :
Pasti mau casting ’30 Hari Mencari Ayam’ ya?

Desi Ratnasari :
No comment!

Dhani Ahmad :
Asal ayam itu mau poligami, saya rasa gak ada masalah mau nyebrang kemana juga…

Julia Perez :
Memangnya kenapa kalo ayam itu menyeberang jalan? Karena sang jantan ada disana ! Daripada sang betina sendirian di seberang sini, yaaaaaaaaahhh dia kesanalahh… Cape khan pake alat bantu terus?

Roy Marten :
Ayam itu khan hanya binatang biasa, pasti bisa khilaf.. (sambil sesenggukan).

Butet Kartaredjasa :
Lha ya jelas untuk menghindari grebekan kamtib to?

Roy Suryo :
Kalo diliat dari metadatanya, itu ayam asli.

Megawati :
Ayamnya pasti ayam wong cilik. Dia jalan kaki toh?

and the best answer is………. …..( eng ing eng )
.
.
.

Gus Dur :
“Kenapa ayam nyebrang jalan? Ngapain dipikirin? Gitu aja kok repot! Bukannya kerja tapi malah baca ginian…”

Jokes – Compilation

“You love someone
You marry someone else.
The one you marry becomes your wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of your mail”


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There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.


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If someone says u r ugly, it’s OK,
If someone says u r stupid, it’s OK,
If someone says u r genius, SLAP him as tight as you can n say out loud,
“There is a limit of kidding n u r now crossing the limit.”

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Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks..
To be as rich as his child believes..
To have as many women as his wife suspects…

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Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.
Husband is liver & wife is kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails.
If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

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LAUGH, AND YOUR WORLD IS NICER!
= )

Excuse for coming home late

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

“When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she’s ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn’t care what time I came home.”

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she’s ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he’s home so late.

“Hey, why aren’t you sleeping?” he asks.

“I was was, but I came in to tell you that we’ve got to sleep on the couch tonight, ’cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom.”

Son versus Mother

Once upon a time John, and Pamela lived in canada. His mother Jessica from America came to visit and she suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had onlymade her more curious.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered,”I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Pamela and I are just roommates.”

Than about 3 days later Jessica heads back to America.

About 4 days later, Pamela came to John saying,”Ever since your mother left, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it do you?”
“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

Dear mother,
I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house,I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to America.

Love,
John.

Several days later, Joe received an email from his mother which
read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Pamela, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love,
Mom.

Smart blonde!

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Who is smarter?

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, “If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.”

The hippie of course says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” says the bus driver, “You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.”

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she’s in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,” he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie! “

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”