In My Vein

Nothing goes as planned // everything will break
People say goodbye // in their own special way

All that you rely on // all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning // will find you in the day

You’re in my vein, and i can not get you out
You’re all I taste, at night inside my mouth
You run away, cause I’m not what you find.
You’re in my vain, and I can not get you out

– You’re in My Vein by Andrew Belle

Yeah, this song has been my life soundtrack for the last couple of days.
We can’t always have what we want, right? Sure.
But as we all know, as we’ve all been there, to let go isn’t that easy.
It isn’t, it never was, and it never will be.

Yeah, it ends a couple days ago. This time for real.
Just days after I turned a quarter century, yet I make another failure.
The first, on my new age, and for sure I know it would be my last.
Cause I’m done wishing. making effort. or anything.

She’s the greatest gift all my life, she’s making me happiest at almost every time I’d never thought I’d be.
She’s the one making me feel appreciated for what I really am, and I’m ready to build something with in the long run.
But I guess she’s just too good for me, and of all people in this world, I don’t deserve her,
or any good things ever to come in life.

To think it through, deep inside I saw it coming.
I’ve been giving more than I’ve ever be in all my previous relationships.
I’ve been doing all things I thought I’ll never could, just to make this work.
I guess you would too, when you believe what you have is so magical.
You’ll do anything and everything necessary, to make it happen.
Guess everything’s not yet enough.
And looking back, you know she’s been wanting to get out from this so-called relationship so many times.
And yet, my selfishness and stubbornness blinded me to see it that way.

No more singing in the open air on the speeding auto bike.
No more waiting for the sky to fall.
No more strolling in the park and astonished ourselves with the graceful Iriana.
No more dancing or gambling in the middle of the night.
No more sauna-ing ourselves in the middle of the day.
No more looking for duck rice in every corner of Jakarta at night.
No more walking down the beach and get ourselves stared by the waves.
No more smiling at each other sentences and wail for a moment.
No more routine emailing when we’re a thousand miles apart.
No more. Just no more.

and here I am. all alone, all over again.
I guess it’s what I deserve.
and it’s better this way, I guess.

From this moment on, I’ll only live to fulfil my responsibilities to people.
Once it’s all done, I’m done.
I’ll get the nearest exit possible.

Thanks, for all the memories, EPS.

I love you, as always. Have a great life!

Jakarta, October 27th
Okki Sutanto